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C and i were invited to a wedding reception (pretty informal. more like a cocktail-party-type-thing) this past saturday. the groom is an old friend of mine of 20+ years. we’ve only been in touch sporadically over the last 15 years or so until last year, when we happened to sign up for the same spanish-class (without knowing about one another) and ended up having a great time once a week sitting in a classroom together again. just like 15 years ago :)

he had invited me months ago and of course i said i’d love to come. the closer the date came, though, the more “uneasy” i felt about the whole thing. there was gonna be only a handful of people i’d know (if even that) and those weren’t exactly good friends. in fact, some of them i remembered as quite superficial and snobbish. and while i usually don’t really give a sh*t about people like that – especially when i’m with my friends, who i feel pretty “safe” with – this was a whole different story because a) i was probably gonna have to go by myself b) i hadn’t seen them in so long and c) put on a lot (!) of weight since the last time i saw them. i contemplated, waited, talked to a few close friends about it …. and ended up sending him an email last wednesday about how i wasn’t gonna come after all. i didn’t make up some reason but told him the truth, apologizing and just hoping he wouldn’t be too mad/disappointed.

he replied with one of the nicest, most understanding, re-assuring and sweet emails ever. he told me he would have loved to have me there but at the same time understood and respected the way i felt. he also told me how he thought i had a completely “wrong” picture of myself in my head. how in reality i am a great, talented, fun, lovable and sweet person and that (no matter what some people thought) it was more than enough if i was simply me. a little (or a lot) too much weight or not. i had tears in my eyes – still do when i read the message – and thought to myself “how can i let a this great person and friend down? he really wants me there and i want to go. for him. it’s his wedding and i shouldn’t let some f*cked up insecurities hold me back and miss an important day like this. i AM pretty great, lovable, talented, fun and so much more. i am so much more than my weight.”

so i talked to C again, told him how i really needed for him to come with me and he said yes. it also helped that i had just gotten a cute new outfit i was waiting to wear anyway. we went. and had an amazing (!) time. my friend was so happy to see me (and told me several times that night) and after the first “stiff” half our or so (and a gin&tonic for me) we started to mingle and ended up having great conversations. met a few really awesome people. danced to the most ridiculous old-school songs. drank cocktails (lynchburg lemonade anyone? soooo yum!) and pretty much closed the place up. we walked the 45 minutes home around 5:30 am because we just couldn’t be bothered to get a taxi. THAT’S how great it was.

i can’t thank my friend enough and i am so happy (and proud) to have gotten over my insecurities. i would have never forgiven myself had i missed the chance to dance to “ice ice baby”, “mr. vain”, “time of my life”, “nordisch by nature”, “killing in the name of” and so many more great special songs i thought i’d never hear again. let alone all of them in one night. here’s to getting over it. it feels great.

ETA: thank you all so (!) much for your sweet, encouraging comments. honestly, i did not realize just how many people (women?) out there have the same insecurities. apparently no matter what size they are. while i know it “intellectually” i just don’t get it emotionally a lot of times because i think “you/these people/women” look beautiful, aren’t overweight (!) … so why would you/they feel insecure? it makes me sad to realize once again how we are (often) the (only) ones judging ourselves. there’s way too much truth in the saying “you are your own worst critic.” *sigh*