we’re not the only ones comfortable at the new apartment. speedy has been loving it from day one. more space, a bigger balcony… also, she has adopted my beloved sheep blanket from bath & body works and decided this is her new place to sleep. there’s only a slight problem (besides the fact that i love that blanket and would like to use it myself…) : she’s practically invisible on it and there may have been an occasion (or two…) where i almost accidentally sat down on top of her. but seriously now, who could blame me?

*sigh* a cat’s life. isn’t it the best?

okay. how’bout we say i have to post 30 posts in november and i’m good. how’bout that? let’s bend the rules a bit, okay? isn’t this mainly to get back into blogging (at least for me) and not end up burnt out again after november 30th and stop posting altogether for the next month? all i know is that it’s already stressing me and making me feel like “i’m such a failure, i can’t even stick to posting something every day for a month…” and believe me, that’s the LAST thing i need these days.

i should have known. there is a reason i decided against participating in the last years… so, i probably won’t post every day = i will fail NaBloPoMo. period. but i will try hard to post a lot more than before and hopefully not disappoint you too much. i will try to deliver “quality” over quantity – how’s that? :)

the thing is: i started therapy again with a new therapist a couple months ago. i absolutely love my new therapist. so much more than my old one, whom i never really connected with the way i would have liked to. i spent half the time with her telling her what i thought she wanted to hear. she couldn’t “read” me like my new therapist already can. i didn’t respect her the way i already respect my new therapist… anywho. after going through my life on the surface and me just telling her what i’ve been up to for the last 32 years we are now getting into actual “issues” and i can already tell that it won’t be easy. it wasn’t “easy” the last time but since i never really opened up it was okay. it won’t be this time around. i can already tell. i’ve already cried more during my five or so sessions than i did before in six months.

i don’t know how much of those “issues” i will share here. probably not too much because a lot of times other people are involved but i’m sure i will share some and let yo be part of the “healing process”. because boy, that i can tell you right now: turns out, apparently i’m really sad deep down inside and there’s a bunch of healing to be done. so far, it feels good to have this hour every week to talk about me. i’m the center of attention and i don’t have to think about anyone else’s feelings. the problem is to turn those thoughts and feelings off again afterwards in order to “function” but i’m sure i will find a way to implement the therapy in my daily life and i will go with the flow. luckily she was able to finally give me a 5 pm appointment so i don’t have to go back to work after therapy like i had to a few times. and for the really, really rough times i plan on simply taking the next day off and focus on me. in this case, i’m gonna give “the finga” to work and do what’s best for me. that’s my resolution anyway i guess we’ll see how that goes…

my bosses don’t work on fridays so it’s always a little slow and quiet compared to the other days of the week. also, we usually close up at 4:30 pm instead of 6 pm. so that already makes for a good start into the weekend. i actually had a lot to do today, which is why i didn’t post earlier – and almost forgot actually *phew* sooo, just a quickie. i’m gonna go visit with friends + kids after work and decided to just invite myself to dinner since i was already there ;) we had awesome pumpkin-soup and -bread. the best part of course was the fact that i didn’t have to cook… after dinner i brought my goddaughter to bed and hung out with N+B for a while before heading home. it was a nice day but i’m soooo ready for the weekend and SLEEP now. you have no idea…

i got an email from C’s sister yesterday. i’m not gonna quote the whole thing here but basically it says that she won’t be spending any money again (she did this last year for the first time) this year for christmas gifts and she also won’t accept any gifts. instead she will make it a point this coming year to give friends and family the gift of time. fly back home to the midwest more often, babysit, visit and meet with friends where she lives, fly to germany *freu* … she also wants friends/family to take the money they were gonna spend on a gift for her and do something nice with it. i have to say: i am loving it.

there is definitely a difference between a german and an american christmas and i’m not talking about the food or traditions here. there’s a lot more $$ involved and the mounts of gifts under the trees are ridiculous, if you ask me. i want to add a disclaimer right here and assure you that i’m not being ungrateful or don’t appreciate the holidays i’ve spent in the US with C’s family in the past. in fact, if i had the money i’d fly over there again this year in a heartbeat because it’s so much better there than here with not much family left… BUT gift-wise there is a lot more stress involved when we go.

we have limited the people we actually get gifts to because C’s family is pretty big and after airfare to go, a rental car, gas and all the rest of it we really can’t afford to get something for everyone. and every year we tell people beforehand that we don’t want any gifts either. that being there with the family, enjoying the great food and company is gift enough to us. every year we get something from everyone. e.v.e.r.y.o.n.e. even his cousin&wife who have three little kids and we don’t even see or are in touch with other than during the holidays when we’re there give us gift-cards. every year. *sigh*

this is difficult to write without sounding like an ungrateful brat and i hope you all don’t get me wrong. i LOVE giving gifts. i enjoy finding just the right thing for everyone. absolutely, 100% love it. i wouldn’t wanna have a christmas with no gifts under the tree at all and the joy of watching C unpack his gifts. what i don’t like is the “must” behind it. i don’t have to give a gift to everyone. just like i don’t expect a gift from everyone. in fact, i don’t expect a gift from anyone really. honestly, getting something from someone i’m not that close with (like C’s cousin’s family for example) makes me feel bad. i’m sorry but i feel bad because i don’t have anything in return and i wish they would have taken the money and went out to dinner with the kids. or something…

bottom line: i wish christmas was less about the amount of money you spend on someone or the size of the pile of gifts under the tree and more about celebrating like it used to. family. friends. hot gluehwein. cookies. turkey. music. old christmas movies… that’s how i grew up and that’s what i still love about christmas.

we always dressed up nice for christmas eve. there was a small pile of gifts for everyone in our family. as kids we usually got one “big” thing (like a CD-player or something) plus a book or two, some candy, maybe socks, gloves or a couple other small things.. my mom used to buy different paper and wrap all the gifts for one person in the same paper so they wouldn’t get mixed up ;) the evening started with some wine and listening to the story “pelle zieht aus” from the christmas CD of heinz rühmann… around 5 pm we usually exchanged gifts. one at a time. everyone watched while someone opened a gift. once that was done, the uhhs and ahhs over with, the next person got another gift and so on… that alone usually took quite a while. there was no ripping of paper left and right, people sitting buried in gifts while trying to figure out what came from who, “thank you’s” being yelled across the room like i’ve experienced in the US.

nobody should get stressed about “having to” buy certain things for someone for christmas. that is not what christmas is about but even after all these years together it’s hard to get it out of even C’s american head. he always spends wayyy too much money for christmas gifts for me when all i really wish for is a few nice days with friends and family and him. oh and turkey. and maybe that season 15 of E.R. on DVD but that’s really not that important ;)

*sigh* this will be short because i am really busy at work. or i should be anyway. i have a bunch of things that need to get done but my motivation and concentration obviously didn’t get the memo about the cancelled vacation and are MIA. since i was sick last week mo-wed i decided (well, pretty much had to…) to come to work this week instead of taking off like i had planned. no big deal really because i was just gonna relax at home but still annoying. plus, i seem to really need some time off as my ability to focus on anything is close to zero. seriously, my mind just wanders off to lalaland all the effing time… i.am.so.urlaubsreif.