where to start? *sigh* now i’m sure those of you who still come and check this place every once in a while noticed the more frequent appearance of password protected posts in the last months (year). it’s been a tough time for me with so much going on, much of it affecting other people in my life as much as me, hence making it difficult to write about a lot of it publicly. i am suffering from depression which i really didn’t know (or wanna know) until a six week clinic stay this summer.

i have put on a lot of weight. not that weight hasn’t been an issue pretty much my entire life but i was doing fine for over ten years until it spiraled completely out of control during the last three/four years… at first i was blaming it on C being back in germany and all the changes that living with a boy brings to a former (somewhat in every day life anyway) single girl. i tried a lot to stop the weight gain and loose the weight but failed miserably. i even had my thyroid checked and everything because nothing seemed to really work. with every pound i felt like a bigger (literally. ha!) failure and more unhappy. i was ashamed, afraid to meet people (especially whom i hadn’t seen in a while). i didn’t go out any more than i absolutely had to, i became unhappier and unhappier and with that fatter and fatter. by the end of last summer i didn’t even feel like myself any more.

so i started therapy. and a dietetic treatment set to go for about 4-5 months. unfortunately the therapie somewhat “triggered” a depressive episode and there was no way for me to follow through with the dietetic treatment. i needed all my energy to function, make it through a 40 hour work week and socialize as much as “necessary” to not raise suspicion. there was absolutely no energy left to deal with planning a healthy diet, exercising and all the rest of it. i cancelled the trip to the US to see C’s family and asked him to go by himself while i curled up in a ball on the couch whenever i didn’t have to work. last winter was bad, really bad.

around the beginning of the year my therapist and i decided to try and apply for a six week clinic stay again. i had tried to get it approved by the insurance about 1.5 years earlier already and got denied. since then things went even more downhill weight wise along with my self-worth, love for life and (mental) health. seriously, i did not even know myself any more and it was certainly not much fun to live with me… having the therapist and my GP on my side for this definitely helped and i finally, finally got approved on may 3rd of this year (yes, i remember the exact date!)

sooo (i’m gonna make this quick because it’s friday, 4:34 pm = i need to drop everything and leave the office STAT because it’s the weeeekend) – i spent six weeks at a great (!) psychosomatic clinic in july/august. after a pretty major depressive breakdown during the first two weeks there i “gave in” and started anti-depressants and am doing MUCH better now. i’ve “only” lost about 13 pounds but am positive it is going to work much better this time around and i’ll give it the time it needs. i’ll write more about the clinic and therapie later (life-changing is all i can say!) but i really need to go for now. just wanted to get and spell this out: i suffer from a depression but after a crappy couple of years i’m getting help now. kinda falling back in love with my life – oh and i got this as kind of a “souvenir” during my last week at the clinic :)

i’m feeling a lot better than i did two months ago. and i can’t even really tell you why. did i loose weight? uhm honestly, i don’t think so but i couldn’t even tell you for sure because i haven’t stepped on a scale in about two months. the last two months have been not too bad at work [which is about to change unfortunately] and we’ve had some nice weather [which seems to be over with]. also, things between C and i have really changed for the better. i have finally voiced how i’m really feeling about myself and some other things [instead of just being bitchy] and he’s been incredibly supportive and loving and … just great. he did have to deal with a LOT of bitchiness lately. a lot of times directed towards him, even though i really meant myself. he rarely ever gets mad or annoyed or pissed, let alone loud. he is one of the nicest and most understanding people out there and just makes me feel loved. every. single. day. no matter what a b*tch i’m being.

i also canceled my gym membership. the contract will be done by the end of the month. what looked like a good idea at the time really was a stupid idea. to choose a gym you can only get to by car? that offers almost no classes even though i know from experience that i’d rather do two hours of aerobics and/or something like that than go on the treadmill and do machines by myself all the time. now instead we will sign up at a new gym in the viertel. we as in C and me. together. it’s about five minutes bike-ride from work for both of us and only fifteen minutes from home. heck, we could walk if we wanted to but the tram also stops right in front of it. they have machines, treadmills and all that good stuff but also tons of classes. every day. including yoga, which i’ve been meaning to try for a long time. it’ll be a new beginning. new motivation. and the togetherness factor certainly helps.

you know what also? watch out, this is gonna sound real cheesy, but i have felt loved. it’s not like my friends and family usually treat me like sh*t or anything and maybe they haven’t done anything different but i have had many moments of thinking something along the lines of “huh, i guess i’m kinda nice, cool, fun… loved.” during the last few weeks. more so than usually. which feels really nice. it’s almost like the “what’s on the inside is the really important part” phrase has made it to the part of my brain where i finally actually get it. and feel it. i still don’t feel comfortable with the weight i have but it’s not dominating my life any more. at least not right now. and i hope it won’t again. after months and months i feel like i actually have the strength and power to do something about my weight. in my time. my way. not the weight watchers-way or this or that magazine’s way, or mr. low-carb-book-millionaire-way. my way. because after all these years of dealing with my eating disorder and weight issues, i could write a book myself about how one SHOULD live and eat to be healthy. now i just have to put the knowledge into action. and i plan on doing that. ahhhh, i just feel good.

what probably also helped: a great email-conversation with jen i had today. i will see san in just a few weeks. C and i will take a trip [probably in october] for a long weekend and already have the train-tickets. oh and i got new highlights on friday. that stuff is usually bound to make one feel better :) so i’m taking a chance on jinxing it and will say it: life doesn’t feel all too bad right now.

let’s start with this, shall we?

no, nothing [particular] happened. which is probably part of the reason it all sucks. i don’t want pity or pats on the head or “it’s going to be okay”s. because right now, if things don’t change, it won’t. please, if you don’t want to hear me talk about my weight and how depressed i am because of it [and if you're being honest, you're thinking: woman, stop whining and do something about it!] then i ask you to stop reading right now, get out of here and just come back again when this is over and i’m back to the cheery, fun, easy going, smiling kim you all like and want to see. but for right now, i’m far from that woman. farther then i’ve ever been. quite frankly, i pretty much hate myself. at least 90% of the time. and believe me, i do enough of the woman, stop whining and do something about it! for all of us.

(more…)

let’s start with the stress. work has been carayzay for at least four weeks now. you know when you do so many different things at once how you almost don’t remember after a while what exactly you did and how you did it? that would be me these days. luckily i’ve been doing this job for over seven years now so some of the things i can do just automatic without thinking too much about it. but it’s a lot. i hope it’ll get better soon. if not, i should at least get a raise or something. seriously… oh well, i like my job and my colleagues and my office and i DO have a job. so it’s all good. i just thought i’d rant a bit… done now. :)

now the one on talent. i’ve been seriously in LOVE with etsy [and dawanda, which is kinda like the european counterpart] and i could spent $$$ there easily every week. which i don’t, because i’m broke, but i’m just saying i could and would NOT get tired of it. i am blown away by all the talent out there. it makes me wanna buy supplies and try to make stuff myself. which i might even do. one day. what i’m saying is: wow. there’s so much amazing talent out there. and i’m gonna tell you about one particularly talented girl. sandysimone. i ordered a custom necklace for the baptism of my goddaughter with her name and birthstone and it got here yesterday. wow. i’m blown away by how beautiful and special and amazing it is. it’s even more beautiful than i had expected and i cannot wait until i can give it to her. i know, she’s only about 12 months old and won’t know what the heck to do with it yet but to imagine her having this for the rest of her life, reminding her of me, is just… wow. also: i want one for myself now :)

now, the gym. i finally went back yesterday. it felt good. i did 30 minutes on the elliptical in my own pace and then the first week of couch 2 5k with robert ullrey’s podcast. i think i’m too out of shape [and too heavy] to start with the running right away so i did the intervals on the elliptical in different speeds instead of running/walking intervals on the treadmill. and it was great. i still can’t believe how fast those 30 minutes went by and i’m actually looking forward to going again tomorrow night ;) i think i’m gonna do it on the elliptical until i feel confident enough and then switch to the treadmill. and i wanna do it outside at least once a week as well. that will only happen on the weekend until it’s light out longer in the evening but it is my plan. so we’ll see how that goes. i can’t really see myself running anywhere [let alone a 5k] any time soon but it gets my butt of the couch and i will just do it as much as i can… so far, so good :)