where to start? *sigh* now i’m sure those of you who still come and check this place every once in a while noticed the more frequent appearance of password protected posts in the last months (year). it’s been a tough time for me with so much going on, much of it affecting other people in my life as much as me, hence making it difficult to write about a lot of it publicly. i am suffering from depression which i really didn’t know (or wanna know) until a six week clinic stay this summer.

i have put on a lot of weight. not that weight hasn’t been an issue pretty much my entire life but i was doing fine for over ten years until it spiraled completely out of control during the last three/four years… at first i was blaming it on C being back in germany and all the changes that living with a boy brings to a former (somewhat in every day life anyway) single girl. i tried a lot to stop the weight gain and loose the weight but failed miserably. i even had my thyroid checked and everything because nothing seemed to really work. with every pound i felt like a bigger (literally. ha!) failure and more unhappy. i was ashamed, afraid to meet people (especially whom i hadn’t seen in a while). i didn’t go out any more than i absolutely had to, i became unhappier and unhappier and with that fatter and fatter. by the end of last summer i didn’t even feel like myself any more.

so i started therapy. and a dietetic treatment set to go for about 4-5 months. unfortunately the therapie somewhat “triggered” a depressive episode and there was no way for me to follow through with the dietetic treatment. i needed all my energy to function, make it through a 40 hour work week and socialize as much as “necessary” to not raise suspicion. there was absolutely no energy left to deal with planning a healthy diet, exercising and all the rest of it. i cancelled the trip to the US to see C’s family and asked him to go by himself while i curled up in a ball on the couch whenever i didn’t have to work. last winter was bad, really bad.

around the beginning of the year my therapist and i decided to try and apply for a six week clinic stay again. i had tried to get it approved by the insurance about 1.5 years earlier already and got denied. since then things went even more downhill weight wise along with my self-worth, love for life and (mental) health. seriously, i did not even know myself any more and it was certainly not much fun to live with me… having the therapist and my GP on my side for this definitely helped and i finally, finally got approved on may 3rd of this year (yes, i remember the exact date!)

sooo (i’m gonna make this quick because it’s friday, 4:34 pm = i need to drop everything and leave the office STAT because it’s the weeeekend) – i spent six weeks at a great (!) psychosomatic clinic in july/august. after a pretty major depressive breakdown during the first two weeks there i “gave in” and started anti-depressants and am doing MUCH better now. i’ve “only” lost about 13 pounds but am positive it is going to work much better this time around and i’ll give it the time it needs. i’ll write more about the clinic and therapie later (life-changing is all i can say!) but i really need to go for now. just wanted to get and spell this out: i suffer from a depression but after a crappy couple of years i’m getting help now. kinda falling back in love with my life – oh and i got this as kind of a “souvenir” during my last week at the clinic :)

sooo, i’ve been tagged by my sweet san again and since there’s not much else to write about (and i’m really hot) it comes as a perfect opportunity to find out how many people still stop by here and actually read what (little) i write :) especially since it’s about writing. hand-writing. i have to confess, i don’t like writing much any more. i’m so used to typing and much faster at it. when i sit down once a year for my christmas cards, my hand actually hurts after a while (and i might have even printed out last year’s christmas parts – but i used a handwriting font…). but i did get a journal just a few weeks ago to start a diary again for the summer so we’ll see how that goes. the thing is also, i’m not a big fan of my own handwriting, but see for yourself… these are the rules to the “challenge”:

Write down the following, snap a picture (or scan the document), post it, and tag others.

1. Name/Blog Name
2. Right handed, left handed or both
3. Favorite letters to write
4. Least favorite letters to write
5. Write: The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.
6. Write in caps:
CRAB
HUMOR
KALEIDOSCOPE
PAJAMAS
GAZILLION
7. Favorite song lyrics
8. Tag 7 people
9. Any special note or drawing

and here’s mine…

now, caity, kerri, stef, nussi, ute, red and sarah – i’m looking forward to seeing your handwriting and of course everyone else’s who might wanna play :)

if you’re wondering about #9 … let me enlighten you. it’s the title of our most popular 2010 worldcup germany song. it originally started as a fun afternoon “project” of a bunch of students who went out and covered the big eurovision song contest winning song “satelite” with german lyrics rooting for germany in the worldcup. it became a huge hit after just a couple of days with hundrets of thousands of views and downloads. the holder to the rights of the original song tried to make it “go away” for a week or so before they gave in and actually asked the students to come in for a professional recording of the song.. here’s more about the (hi)story of “schland, oh schland …” :)

have a great soccer weekend everyone!!!

inspired by san i thought i’d share my beauty spring favorites with you as well :) you will notice quite a few german products because, well… i live in germany. i apologize if you can’t get them where you live but at the same time i would like to offer to serve as your “dealer” if there’s something you really, really want to try and send it to you. i’m sure we can work something out :)

1.) balea getönte feuchtigkeitscreme = a tinted moisturizer. my best friend uses it and i tried it when i visited her last weekend. right away i found it to be perfect for my after-winter-white-as-a-ghost face. plus, it gives a bit of coverage as well which is great since i try to not use a foundation every day any more to give my skin a break after all that bare minerals covering up for two years or so… it’s very light but i still “mix it” with a little bit of my normal moisturizer – yes, i’m that white *sigh* – and i think it looks very natural and i’m loving it.

2.) alverde products. i tried to narrow it down to a couple of my favorite products but realized i really couldn’t. i just love all of their products. it’s a german brand of natural products with mostly certified organic ingredients. right now i’m using their eye cream, powder, foundation and blush, daily moisturizer and night cream… love it all!

3.) volume & define (GER) / liquid line definer (US) eyeliner by maybelline new york – i’ve tried a lot of different eye liners over the years. never have been this happy with one before. it’s really easy to use, it’s a nice and dark black (as opposed to the grey-ish color of a lot of the other ones i’ve tried before) and it absolutely lasts all day without smudging or anything. another plus is the price and the liner lasts months (with daily use) before you have to buy a new one. i absolutely love it.

4.) stretch&define (GER) / define-a-lash (US) mascara by maybelline new york – again, have tried a lot over the years. i always use waterproof mascara because i’m wearing contact lenses and this one is easy to apply, actually parts the lashed nicely and lasts forever as well. no smudging, keeps my lashes curled up nicely and has a nice, dark black color.

5.) rival de loop (rossmann) fruchtsäure peeling / fruit acid exfoliating scrub – refines the skin very gently. i love using it a couple times a week in the evening just before going to bed. you put it on, leave it for a few minutes (and it gives you the tiniest of a tingling sensation) before gently scrubbing and taking it off again. it just feels good and like your face is really, really clean. love.

6.) essence show your feet intensive repair balm – i have dry skin. especially in the winter time from lack of air/sun for the skin and dry air from the heat. dry hands, body and feet. so i pretty much use this all year almost every day. which i think is even more important now that the flip-flops, sandals and bare-feet season is about to start (yay!). speaking of feet: i think there’s still too many people out there who are not taking good care of their feet and then “share” the disaster with everyone during the summer = fail. sorry.

now, what are your favorite beauty essentials?

as part of my getting-ready-for-the-move i sorted though old letters and postcards today. besides up to 15 year old mail from my girls [fun stuff. let's just say i'm glad to not be a teenager any more] and a few other things i noticed that most of the mail i got and kept was from my mom. she was great at that. giving/sending you a card to let you know she’d be thinking of you on your first day at the new job, wishing you good luck on an important exam, just letting you know how proud she is because of a good grade… during my year in MN as an au-pair she must have sent an average of one piece of mail a week. probably more.

she is the one who made me strong. reading those words from her made a feeling come back that i haven’t felt in a long time. she is the one who made me feel like i was the most perfect girl on the face of the earth and that i could do anything i put my mind to. yes, she also put a lot [and often too much] responsibility on my shoulders and i’m mad at her for doing so BUT i think after almost seven years since she’s been gone i need to let go of the anger and focus on how great a mom she was besides the times she was not so great a mom. focus on the good things. i realize that being mad at her helps to not miss her too much but maybe i just have to face the sadness to be able and deal with it. who knows how much “damage” that suppressed sadness has done and might do in the future if i don’t finally gear up and face it… i’m not sure when and how exactly i will do this but i think i have to at some point.

today, for the first time in a long time, i cried because i miss my mom. not because i’m sad about how my kids will never know their grandma and that i won’t have a mom to help with wedding preparations and those things. i actually miss my mother. the great person she was. the mom who never let me leave the house without a kiss goodbye, who always told me how beautiful and talented i am, who always made my birthday a special day no matter where i was or how little money she had, the one who made the best cheesecake in the world………. today i simply wish we could all be gathered at her place to celebrate her birthday. i wish i could hug her and see her looking at us happy and proud like she always did. i miss you mom.